this is how you lose her.

i’ve been thinking a lot about fire escapes. about lofts high up in sleepless cities. about clear night skies and clearer days. about vitamin d deficiencies and short daylight hours. about very little daylight. the sun marred by cloudy skies. maybe it’ll rain, maybe not, but here’s four or so days of the sky making up its mind. about red meat being good for nails – but terrible for my skin. about my terrible skin and how certain times of the month it’s all i can do to stop myself from taking sandpaper to it. instead i just slather on layers of foundation, and going on about my day with painted nails growing longer than usual.

i’ve been wanting to write, thinking about it, but not seriously doing it. i’ve been reading. maybe not as much as i make it seem, but more than i have in recent months.

most of all, i’ve been hurting and i’m trying to be okay with that.

she’s sensitive, too. takes to hurt the way water takes to paper.


‘got my vices in a vice again’

i collage’d my face yesterday because sc was/maybe still is under a state of emergency due to all the weather and flooding (i don’t actually know; i stayed in bed all weekend) and i had writer’s block but also allergies so why the hell not? (there are fifteen pictures of me in this one photo alone)

“you’re running like you’re being chased. you’re not running like you want to cross the finish line first.”

whenever life gets hard – and my best friend will not let me gone girl myself, ugh – i come back to this scene from season two of scandal. it’s got its quirks and faults and it’s on my list of shows i should probably catch up on, but the show has its very poignant moments. so i’m going to stop running like i’m being chased – or, well, like i’m being pushed.

if there is one person to which i attribute why i write/why i still write it’s nikki reed. this spans all the way back to me being a fourteen year old making my mom watch thirteen with me. she does a recurring column with elle magazine and it’s always a pleasure for me to read.