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age.

i found my first grey hair this morning.

almost two and a half months after i turned 27 and a few days into the new year. i’ll admit i’ve been having a rough go at it, overlap from the previous year. financial issues, relationship issues, life being what it is. but that grey strand, perked up at the edge of my left eyebrow made my entire day.

i’ve never had a fear of aging. getting older, wrinkles, parts of my body succumbing to gravity and bad posture and equally bad eating habits. two untreated injuries to both of my shoulders from unrelated incidents. both from stupid ways of handling heavy things. weight gain and weight loss settling fat and muscle in different pockets than before.

i fucking love it!

(yes, i also carry anxieties of what i’m doing with my life. external struggles i tend to internalize)

that grey hair – really it’s a stubborn white thread – did what a new age and a new year didn’t slash couldn’t. it rejuvenated me. grounded me. amidst a litter of stray brow hair that needed to be plucked, it looked back at me from the mirror and reminded me of all the things i am and all the things i want.

if i have the option of hereditary alopecia or otherwise, i want to go grey young. i want to live a life where i smile so much, i have pronounced laugh lines. i want to show off the stretch marks i’ve had on my thighs since i was ten, ya know, when the weather gets warmer. i want to enjoy body aches and bruises from being so goddamn clumsy.

back in october, i came as close as i’ve ever been to suicide. i had the means. i had the apathy. i had the isolation. it was a long time coming yet somehow crept up on me, and for a while after i wasn’t completely certain i was out of the woods.

that grey hair reminds me – i want this life.

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