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the liebster award.

it’s been a minute. okay, longer than a minute but time is relative. i’ve been fighting myself and loving myself and sharing myself and hiding her, too. happens. but amanda let me know she’s nominated me for the liebster award.

gotta admit – i thought about taking this site down. not practically, obviously. but the thought crossed my mind. much like when i think about deleting every social media account i have. what else do i possibly have to add to the conversation, every conversation, that hasn’t already been said? what if growing up publicly has stunted my ability to be private and not feel guilty about that? why not rip off the band-aid? doing that seemed better than letting my pages go dormant. but i couldn’t do that. this site is for me just as much, if not more, as it is for you. so, thank you, beautiful, for motivating me again.

ten facts about me:

  • i haven’t weighed myself in months and i love it.
  • i’ve never been fired from a job.
  • i never knew being in love was its own kind of writer’s block.
  • when i was a teenager, i loved watching girlfriends. i wanted to be lynn searcy, played by persia white, the light-skinned (biracial) black woman with tattoos and hippie clothes and who listened to alternative music. she redefined what it meant to be “black” for me. turns out, she is almost exactly who i grew up to be.
  • outside of my mom and brother, i can count on one hand how many of my friends’ birthdays i know by heart. hint: it’s only because i’ve known them since i was 11.
  • i used to pride myself in being a good, no, great friend. i still can be, but at this point in my life i’m focused on being a great me instead of a friend who’ll allow toxic behavior to continue to be the norm. and let me tell you, it’s lonely work.
  • grown women, mainly middle-aged and older, who don’t care to empathize with women in their 20s are my pet peeve. i know it gets better, but don’t invalidate my fears and feelings under the guise of advice.
  • i’m not one to be jealous, but i get major FOMO when i see people my age getting married, being pregnant, starting their families… additionally, i feel the same when people my age are neck deep in their careers. unlike me, who is trying to find that stepping stone that’s still a few steps behind me being able to do what i actually want to do.
  • i am the type of person who has a lot of initiative, but i often don’t initiate (i.e. conversations, hangouts, opportunities…)
  • use of the oxford comma is the petty hill i will die on.

amanda’s questions:

Who or what do you feel most grateful for and why?

my mom. i’ll admit i attribute a lot of my dysfunction to choices she’s made over the years, but i’m lost without her. i realized long ago that she’s human and wants to be well-intentioned, and that never ceases just because someone becomes a parent. she’s my safety net who never lets me give up. i can take a breather, but i will keep going.

What is your favorite food/dish?

two different answers, bruh. food: any kind of pasta. ramen, penne, just noodles! dish: spaghetti is my go-to. always. i’d say grilled cheese, but being lactose intolerant is a damper on that dish. i’ll still eat it, though.

Would you ever travel the world in a van or live in a tiny house?

take a look at my pinterest! i’m obsessed with tiny houses. ideally, it would just be me. i couldn’t imagine raising a family in such confined spaces – i would go bonkers.

If you were a flower, which would you be?

calla lily. gorgeous but poisonous.

Coffee or tea? What do you put in it, if anything at all?

coffee, and it all depends on how it’s made. keurig coffee always tastes burnt, so lots of cream and sugar. with grounds, i can do a little cream and one sugar. if i make it myself at home, i can drink it black but usually i like a little bit of sweetness like honey. i just want that caffeine, yo!

Describe your aesthetic. 

i really don’t know, honestly. 90s, preferably, because that decade is my ultimate jam. but i am all over the place. plaid and denim one day, floral the next. let’s just say lynn searcy mixed with dear white people’s (film and series versions) sam white with a little bit of max goof on the side. lots of thrifted clothes and pieces that are questionable together but once it’s on i’ve got the confidence to work it – at least for that day. i also always have a notebook with me, so whatever all that equals up to.

What made you want to start blogging?

an external outlet. diaries or journaling just never worked for me, but knowing i could dump my thoughts and feelings out every now and again and other people could connect with that almost instantly felt very attractive to me. high school was a very lonely period of time, both when i had friends and when i didn’t. over the years, there have been countless iterations of blogging. xanga, myspace, wordpress, tumblr, wordpress, wordpress…

What is something you are proud you have accomplished?

college, the necessary evil that it was. i hated it, i loved it, i almost killed myself for it… i’m glad it’s over and wonder what my life would’ve been like if i’d never gone, but i’m grateful still.

Is there one event or person who made you who you are today? What are characteristics you value about them?

since i mentioned my mom earlier, i’ll say nikki reed (with lin-manuel miranda as a very close second). i watched her film thirteen when i was around that age and it truly changed me. the fact that a movie like that based on her life had the public impact it did – it validated something in me. it made the fears and beliefs and wants i had as a young teenager matter. growing up i was definitely more of the tracy character, which was the one actually based on nikki, and i had intoxicating friendships like the one portrayed in the movie, yes. but what hit me was that catherine hardwick took the time to listen to this young girl’s story and together they made something out of it. not that it fixed nikki’s problems. she actually had a hard fucking life because of that movie and the criticism she shouldered alone. but she still grew to be a gracious, caring creative with a production company, an environmental and animal rights advocate, and she’s married to someone who cherishes her. plus, she’s just had a baby girl and if that’s not #lifegoals, i dunno what it.

my nominees:

naureen

jess

valentina

nikki

anna

and finally, my questions:

  1. what’s one goal you want to achieve in five years’ time?
  2. what’s your go-to pick-me-up?
  3. what album could you play on repeat forever and ever amen and not get sick of?
  4. where does your mind tend to drift when you’re bored?
  5. are you a procrastinator? if so, what do you do to delay a task?
  6. if you could recommend one tv show, what would it be?
  7. what do you do on rainy days?
  8. how do you like to spend your days off?
  9. even if you don’t regularly eat breakfast, what’s your favorite breakfast meal?
  10. how do you deal with self-doubt?

(i’d like to offer this list of questions to anyone who’d like to respond, even if you’re not one of my nominees)

you can check out information and the official rules here.

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