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wait for it…

i quit my job. 

okay, well. i gave my two weeks notice. i am still firmly at my first two jobs, but the third job, the only i got offered right after graduation…

everyone is talking about worth. the media, my eloquent as hell friends, my mom and i often have conversations about discovering our worth. and in knowing my own worth, i know i am not the right fit at that third job. 

i was hired because i’m good at writing grants – and i am – but i don’t write grants all day, everyday. i hold up a counter (and joke with customers saying i get paid to drink coffee and appreciate art). i do more, i did do more. inventory, customer service, and all that, which started to become monotonous…? and then yesterday i was told i “lack initiative”. ironic given that this past weekend i was frustrated because the girls at one of my other jobs do the bare minimum. they lack initiative. 

i have a strong work ethic. i pride myself in working hard so to be told the contrary? well, that stung. but when my supervisor sat me down and said “things just aren’t working” in that fix it or get fired way, something in me received confirmation. the massive anxiety i’ve been feeling for the past month hasn’t been unwarranted. 

i’m not enough.

i’m careful to not say “good enough” or “doing enough”. i am good enough. i’m intelligent, pretty damn great with customers, a quick study, and i do have initiative. plenty of it. if those qualities aren’t being recognized, then i’m obviously not the right person. i am not enough – for this job.

it took me a moment to figure out what i wanted to do. do i keep working there even though i would end up miserable (because, ya know, self-fulfilling prophecy and all that)? if i leave, where do i go? i do still have bills to pay because, ya know, in debt college grad. i couldn’t just leave and figure these things out afterwards.

i’m on the cusp of 25. i’m allowed to leave a job that isn’t utilizing my potential. i’m allowed to remove myself from an environment that isn’t going to benefit me. time is money and in this case i’m not a worthwhile investment for them and vice versa.

this isn’t me getting my feelings hurt and retaliating. however, this is personal. not against them, but for me. what i thought was an opportunity to further my career in the arts turned out out to not be. not really. but more than that.

art isn’t enough. art is my be all, end all. it’s why i get up in the morning and what keeps me awake at night. to quote scandal, art is “my hallelujah, heroin, and reason to breathe.” my job meant i got work for (another) art focused non-profit. it’s art…but it’s retail. i loved it for a while but i need more.

and already i’ve gotten the passive aggression. when i say i’m picking up hours at my first job, i get the “oh, you should be looking for another job where you can write grants all the time…” as if i’m taking two steps forward, one somersault back. but the thing about knowing your path is knowing you can’t tell everyone, despite what they assume.

to quote the song “wait for it” from lin-manuel miranda’s hamilton: 

life doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints. it takes and it takes and it takes. we keep living anyway. we rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes. and if there’s a reason i’m still alive when so many have died, then i’m willing to wait for it…

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